Thinking of You
by DrSmartyPants
Summary: Maura's POV. Inspired by Katy Perry's "Thinking of You" with lyrics woven into the narration. For Maura, it was always meant to be from the very moment she saw Jane. AU. Just some random scribbling.


_**Disclaimer:**_ I own zilch! Not the lyrics, not the characters. Except the lovely ideas that float about in my head and those I can't be 100% sure are entirely my own anyways.  
_**Notes:**_ All right, I'm cheating a little with this piece. It's not new (as you can tell from the lyrics woven throughout the text). I'm often inspired by music and lyrics have a deep resonance with me. Sometimes, they automatically remind me of characters, etc. I wrote this when Katy Perry's "Thinking of You" originally came out (so let's just say '09 for shits and giggles). I've gone over it, tweaked it a bit and inserted our lovely ladies into it. I just wanted to have an piece like this out there because I have a few songs that have struck me recently and think they would work really well along the same vein.  
_**Summary:**_ Some drabble inspired by music. There's really no particular storyline. Maura's POV.

* * *

_Comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection._

It was a cold winter day the first time I laid my eyes on her. I was sitting on a bench at the park in the middle of town. Everything was frozen over, white and so quiet but her loud boisterous voice caught my attention. I watched her play with a boy younger than her, I later found out he was her brother. I must have only been eight or so but there was something about her. I knew nothing of love or what it was like to have feelings for someone. I wasn't wise enough to recognize the tingling in the pit of my stomach or how I couldn't fight back the grin on my face as I watched her build a snowman. I stayed out there until my mother came and dragged me back home. I remember putting up a fight and although I didn't know it then, I know now that I feared that I would never see her again.

I didn't. At least not until high school, and by then, I hadn't necessarily forgotten about her but she was pushed into my subconscious. Everything changed when I spotted her again. I was immediately brought back to that day in the park and although it could have been any brunette, I knew it was her. I was in 9th grade, and it was during a career fair. There must have been dozens of schools there that day and even more teens running about. I was up at a table when suddenly I felt someone step up next to me. I casually looked over and my heart felt as though it had stopped. It took me a few minutes to register why I was reacting in such a way and I was wracking my brain to somehow start up a conversation. Unfortunately, at that exact moment, my brain failed me. I simply stood there and stared at her from the corner of my eye.

She was perfect. Up close, I could see the olive colour of her lightly darkened skin and the chocolate hue of her eyes. I even enjoyed how looking at her caused my heart to palpitate faster and my breath to catch in my throat.

Would you believe me if I said that we actually didn't talk until a few years later?

Someone once told me that I was the type to only fall in love once. That the one who could capture my heart would be the one for me. I laughed. I definitely don't see the humour in that statement anymore because now... now, I know it's true. I was eight years old when my heart declared itself taken. Nobody ever topped her. Although, I never consciously compared those I would frequent to her, I would always find reasons as to why we weren't meant for each other. Excuse after excuse. That's what my life became.

The timing was just wrong. We weren't at the same place in our lives, obviously. I'm a firm believer in serendipity. I even love the word. A fortunate accident. I believe that everything happens in due course if it is meant to be. Obviously, the brunette and I weren't meant to talk until my 18th birthday. The few friends I had arranged this surprise party at one of my favourite restaurants. It was only a small group of us and we were sitting in the far back of the restaurant, enjoying some dessert and coffee after our dinner, and just talking. I loved just hanging out with these particular few. The familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one I thought had long died that day at the park, reappeared when I spotted her. My cheeks flushed and I could hear my friends around me, questioning me whether I was all right. I didn't answer.

"Maura? You're turning red. Are you okay?"

They sounded so far away as if I was under water or surrounded by a glass bubble.

"I'm fine..."

I hadn't lost sight of her. Not this time, we'd played this game of cat and mouse for too long. I feigned interest in the conversations at hand and as soon as I saw her make her way to the washroom, I excused myself.

Yes. The way I met Jane Rizzoli, the love of my life, was by accosting her in the bathroom at my favourite restaurant on my 18th birthday.  
But this is not where my story has a happy ending. No, it isn't.

_You said move on. Where do I go?_

There was definitely no denying that I had won her over. We started out just hanging out, and talking all the time. She truly listened to what I had to say and in turn, I genuinely cared about what she had to say. We went out on what we so cleverly dubbed 'try out dates' to see if our friendship might be ruined by such a thing. I knew better but I was willing to give her time to discover that the day in the park, although she might not have noticed me, was indeed a serendipitous moment and we were meant to be. Sooner or later, she'd see that.

Everything seemed to be moving along quite well, we were secretly dating but unexpectedly she broke it off. I still don't know why even though she spent hours trying to explain it to me. I just drowned her words out. It was impossible. She complimented me in every way. When she said those words, when she told me to move on, I had no idea how to or even where to begin. I was completely taken aback and reeling with the shock.

_I guess second best is all I will know._

The difference was that now I knew what I had. Before, when I subconsciously made excuses for not liking someone or for being single, it was out of ignorance but now, it was literally a choice. I had no other choice but to settle for second best. I knew she was the best and nobody could ever say or do something to make me think otherwise.

Luckily, she didn't sever all ties with me. We still hung out and although it took time, I was comforted with the fact that she didn't cut me out of her life completely. I was able to convince myself to start dating again and made myself believe that she was never going to see me the same way I saw her.

I'd started dating this guy named Ian, but nothing felt right.

_Cause when I'm with him... I am thinking of you..._

I can't count the amount of times that Ian would bring me back to the here and now when I was daydreaming about her. I would daze off thinking about what she were doing at that exact moment. Or what she would say in this situation. Ridiculous things like that. I thought of things that I shouldn't be bothering myself with after two years. I just couldn't help it. In every sense of the word, I was pining. I was bidding my time and waiting. I was waiting for her to finally accept that she loved me. I knew she was afraid of what her parents would think. She'd expressed her worries many times while we were 'secretly' dating. The reason she'd given me to move on was because it was unfair for me to wait around while she gathered the courage to face reality.

At least she was truthful enough with herself and with me to say that she was too much of a coward to face the truth. She never denied her feelings. She simply said she couldn't face them. I remember calling her in the middle of the night... to just talk. She ended the conversation by saying...

_There's tons of fish in the water..._

And then she hung up the phone. I had sat in my darkened room, mulling her words over. I knew there were a lot of people out there that I could be happy with but not as happy as she made me. I couldn't settle... I wasn't giving up. I knew I was with the wrong person because there were certain things Ian would say that would automatically remind me of her. Or, quirks he had that I would always yell at him for just because they reminded me of her.

_He kissed my lips... I taste your mouth._

The day it happened, the very first time, I was shaken. It wasn't at the beginning of the relationship. My mind and emotions had somehow let it progress this far by telling me that everything was okay. But everything was not okay. I was ill by the fact that all I could think of was her. I could not get her off my mind. Some would say I became obsessed. Perhaps, I had always been obsessed.

This is where my fairytale ending beginnings, at least, I had hoped if all went accordingly. I was going to be honest with myself, Ian and Jane.

I broke down after Ian had kissed me one day which was very unlike me. I just couldn't take it. I couldn't live a lie any longer. It had been tearing me apart and slowly driving me mad. Every day that I lied to myself, I sank deeper and deeper into oblivion. I could see myself backtracking and disappearing. I was becoming socially disconnected. I was bitchier than usual with Ian... and I even began to ignore Jane's calls and text messages. Just the thought of her caused my chest to ache. I'd instantly remember staring at the curve of her mouth, the serenity in her face in the morning as I watched her sleep... and how after a few minutes, she'd open her eyes and I'd lose myself in them.

And as I stand here, remembering all of this, holding my cell phone in my hand, I doubt myself for a split second before pushing the dial button. I shakily brought the phone to my ear and waited as the dull sound of the ringing on the other end buzzed in my ear.

"Hello?"

"I have to tell you something..." was all I said.

"Is everything all right?" She sounded concerned.

"No... I just had to tell you... that when I'm with him... I am thinking of you..."

There was silence on the other end but I could clearly identify her breathing. We'd spent too many hours on the phone for me not to know when she was and wasn't there.

"I can't lie to myself anymore. I'm tired of lying, Jane."

"Maur..." she pleaded.

"No! You know it, I know it. The whole world knows it!"

"I can't..."

"I'm willing to wait," I began pleading.

"But I don't want you to wait," she sighed.

"But I do..."

More silence.

"Why? Why me? What makes me so different?"

I could tell she was more frustrated with herself than with me. Her voice cracked and I'm sure she was most likely on the verge of tears. My heart pulled. I didn't want her to cry. I chose my words carefully,

"Because... I love the way you scrunch your nose when you're trying to understand something. Or how your hair is a great big nest in the morning. And I miss the way you would discreetly slide over to my side of the bed in the middle of the night and wrap your arm around me. I want you to be the one I wake up to every morning. I want to lose myself in your eyes over and over again until we're old and senile and arguing over bingo."

I paused. She remained silent and I continued.

"Because I miss the way you look at me and the way that I feel seeing myself through your eyes. You make me feel like a better person and right now, I miss that so much it hurts. You see me like nobody else does. You see the good and the bad but somehow you always manage to make the bad into something good."

I couldn't think anymore. I was choking on my words, trying to make the strongest point possible but I honestly had no idea if anything was getting through to her.

"And I want your mother's paintings on the walls of our apartment," I said as a joke and she laughed. I grinned hearing her laugh.

"Where are you?"

"Outside your door..." I admitted. The line went dead and I frowned looking at my phone. Suddenly, her front door swung upon and she stood there in her pyjamas. I grinned and she simply shrugged,

"I give up... I can't fight this anymore. I'm ready to be honest..." she dejectedly admitted. I reached out and pulled her close. I held her tightly against me and buried my face into the crook of her neck.

"I won't force you to tell anyone... everything in your own time," I whispered. She breathed in deeply and finally wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me gently.

"I'm so sorry, Maur..." she muttered.

I shook my head and closed my eyes tightly as I fought back the tears. I was successful at fighting them back but unfortunately my sniffling gave me away. She leaned back and looked at me and that's when I realized we were both crying. She brought her hand up and gently brushed away the tears with her thumb before leaning in and gently kissing me. I slowly wrapped one arm around her neck and kissed her back softly.

When we finally pulled away, we'd finished crying and we simply stared at each other. I'd never come across someone who had such a loving gaze. It was mesmerizing. It wasn't the fact that her eyes were captivating, they were, but it was the fact that they spoke a million words. They whispered to me and I still believe that they whisper only to me. They were meant for me and their unspoken words, their loving gazes and passionate looks were meant for my eyes only. I began to smile and soon broke out into a huge grin and so did she. That's when I knew... that's when I knew that she loved me too and she'd finally come to terms with it.

_In your eyes I'd like to stay..._


End file.
